Friday, November 6, 2009

1 month


I can't believe you are already a month old! It feels like just yesterday I was meeting you for the first time and now you're already growing into such a big boy. Here's what you've been up to:

For the first 2.5 weeks of your life your Nani was your mom while I was still in the hospital. I must say she did a great job and you two really bonded. I don't think your dad and I will ever be able to say thank you enough. Here you are with your Nani. She was the 3rd person to hold you.

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You now weigh 10lb 12oz. You pediatrician was very happy with how well you are gaining weight. You now have a little belly on you and I love it.

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You are eating 2.5oz every 3 hours around the clock. You don't like to go back to sleep after your 3am feeding and it makes mommy and daddy really tired.

You took your first trip to Evansville this week. You did great and we only had to stop once to feed you.

You are wearing newborn and 0-3 month clothes, but you will soon be in all 0-3. You have moved up to size 1 diapers.

You got your 1 month pictures this week. You cried most of the time, but the pictures still turned out great.

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You are now sleeping in our room now. If I get my way, it's where you'll stay for a long time!

Tomorrow you are meeting all of your extended family and friends for the first time. We are very excited for everyone to meet you and see how precious you are in real life.

I can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

My Birth Story + my post delivery hell.

I think I'm finally ready to write this out. While Henry's actual birth didn't include any horrible complications, afterwards can only be described as the worst time of my life.

October 5, 2009 started out just like any other day. I had to go in for my bi-weekly non stress test thanks to Henry being stubborn and not wanting to move much some days. I just so happened to have my 40 week appointment that day so I scheduled it before hoping I would be in labor and could skip the 30 minutes of laying on my left side clicking a button. I was not in labor, but after a ton of begging (which had been going on for 2 weeks- I'll explain my reasoning later) and an elevated BP reading my Dr scheduled my induction for the next day. I happily skipped off to my NST all while telling Henry that I needed him to be good during the NST because I had a lot to do before the next morning.

As always, Henry didn't listen. He refused to move and his heart rate kept dropping into the 120's and then shooting up into the 180's. The nurse sent me home and told me after the Dr looked at my NST results that she'd call me. 2 hours later I was packed up and on the way to the hospital to be induced.

We got to the hospital around 2pm and hung out until 4 when my Dr came in to check me. Just as I thought...barely effaced, maybe fingertip dilated, and Henry's head was high. Just as I'd done for the previous 2 weeks, I told the Dr that he hadn't dropped because he was stuck on my hip. Around 4:30 I was started on cytotec to soften my cervix. I started to get a few contractions, but nothing too painful. I didn't sleep the whole night because I was just too excited.

The next morning the Dr came in and checked change and surprise surprise Henry hadn't dropped. Nevertheless they started me on Pitocin and oh my god contractions really suck. Since I wasn't progressing I couldn't get an epidural and the pain meds they gave me only worked for about an hour. Around 5pm my contractions started to get unbearable. I seriously wanted to kill anyone in the room who dared to make a sound. At 7pm I started throwing up and that's when I declared if Henry hadn't dropped that I was finished.

At 7:30pm the Dr checked me again and I hadn't made any progress. He told me they'd turn off the pitocin and start the next day. I told him if he stopped the pitocin that I was leaving and not coming back. I told him to cut me open and get Henry out. I knew he was stuck and I felt like something was wrong. He obliged and at 8pm I was being wheeled into the OR. I had never been so scared in all of my life.

I started to have an internal panic attack when I got into the room and told the nurse I was going to die. I almost called off the whole thing, but I knew that wasn't an option. The spinal was a breeze and once I was numb I knew there was no turning back. I continued to throw up while the anesthesiologist pumped me full of nausea meds. When Andrew was allowed in the room they had already had me cut open (I had no idea).

The c-section was so easy. I felt a little tugging, but no pressure or anything. I got a little nervous when I heard the Dr asking for a vacuum, but a minute later they said "dad get your camera ready. Here he comes." Guess where the camera was...In Andrews jeans pocket which was inside his suit they had him put on. I remember saying "Andrew!" in a condescending tone, but our quick thinking (and wonderful) anesthesiologist ripped open Andrew's suit just in time for him to get pictures of Henry being pulled out.

Henry was born at 8:30pm on October 6, 2009. He weighed in at 8lb 90z and was indeed very stuck (which I knew all along). The Dr said he would've never been born vaginally and that made me feel good that I made the right decision.

Most moms will say the moment they heard their baby cry they were in love. That wasn't the case for me. Henry screamed like I had never heard a baby scream before. It was not cute and being on all of the pain meds I was on I thought "What the heck kind of sound is that." I was happy he was healthy, but that honestly was the extent of love I felt for him at the time.

After Henry was cleaned up we were rolled into the recovery room where my mom was waiting. I continued to throw up and was pumped full of phenergan so that's where my memories of his birth stop. I faintly remember the nurse holding my boob while Henry nursed, but then I passed out.

The next morning I woke up and realized that I had in fact had a baby. We were discharged 2 days later and that is where my post-delivery hell began.

The second night we were home I developed a horrible backache. I blamed it on the birth and went on with my night. The next night my back hurt so bad that I had to have Andrew get up with Henry. I honestly couldn't take the crying when I was in so much pain. Later that night my stomach started hurting as well. The next morning I woke up and I had rolls on my ankles. I was a little alarmed so I called my Drs office. The nurse assured me this was totally normal and was because I was pumped full of fluids.

That afternoon I started really hurting. This is also when I started to resent Henry. I hated his crying and thought "why can't he just shut up." I hated having to pump for him to eat and was sure we had made a huge mistake. I ended up calling the Dr the next morning and went in for an appointment. That is when I heard the horrible words "You need to go to the hospital now and check yourself in." I just broke down in tears. I had a 5 day old baby and he wanted me to go to the hospital. I ended up taking Henry in with me and had all intentions of keeping him in my room until thankfully some mom logic kicked in and I realized the hospital was not for a baby.

I was at the hospital for 3 days. I was hooked up to an IV and eventually diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. Apparently I started to develop it at the end of my pregnancy. The last 2 weeks of my pregnancy I had a feeling something was wrong. I begged for an induction, but Drs don't schedule inductions because of mommy instinct...even if it's correct. My blood pressure shot up and I was put on Magnesium Sulfate (aka the medicine of the devil). The mag sulfate made me feel horrible and I just sat in bed feeling sorry for myself. On the morning of the 3rd day the nurse let me know my liver enzymes weren't dropping and I was stuck at the hospital for another night. I seriously thought I was going to lose it. I finally cut a deal with the Dr and she said if my numbers went down later in the day that I could go home. Luckily they did and I was on my way to see my baby.

Right when I got home Henry started crying and I instantly resented him again. I cried because I was so afraid to be alone with him and was so worried I'd hurt him in some way. I have never been so scared of myself in my life. I didn't know how I could have such thoughts. This went on for a two days (luckily my mom was staying with us) until I started feeling like I had a fever. I called the Dr and he wanted to send my back to the hospital again.

By this point I was totally numb. My emotions were so screwed up and I wasn't myself at all. I ended up being in the hospital for 3 more days. While I was there my temperature went up to 103 and I swore I had bacterial meningitis and was dying (like I said my brain was going nuts). I cried and cried and finally my fever broke. I ended up being diagnosed with mastitis and a secondary infection they couldn't figure out. I was sent home with antibiotics.

The first night I was home I was a little nervous because of my previous mental state, but the next morning I woke up and felt like I totally different person. I still wasn't bonded with Henry, but I felt like he was mine and actually liked him.

My mom finally left a week after she planned and I was alone with my baby. Now that I was alone I decided to pull out the front pack. I used it all day and hurt my neck so I made an appointment with my Dr. Sure enough I had a pulled muscle in my neck and while I was there I mentioned that I had found a lump in my breast. He sent me for a breast ultrasound where they classified my lump as "suspicious" and I was scheduled the next day for a biopsy.

The biopsy sucked, but not nearly as bad as the wait for the results. Every time I looked at Henry I would cry because I was so afraid of leaving him momless (me being dramatic again). Finally after 36 hours of waiting I got my lump was from pregnancy/breastfeeding. I picked Henry up and gave him the biggest hug.

And here I am a month later. I am healthy and feel like the luckiest girl alive. Henry is amazing. Sometimes I just stare at him and wonder how Andrew and I could've made someone so perfect. I would do anything for him and feel so protective of him. He is better than I could've even imagined and even though I feel like I went through hell, I would do it again for him.

Here are some newborn pictures for you. I personally think he's the cutest baby ever.